Is that a big package of meat in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?

A bicycle riding thief was busted for shoplifting by police, after attempting to steal meat from an Owensboro grocery store.

According to Owensboro Police Department reports, Benjamine A. Simmons, 38, of the 1200 block of West Seventh Street, was observed Saturday by employees at a Kroger store stuffing a package of ribs down his pants.

The report says Simmons left the store without attempting to pay for his package. When confronted outside, the report says Simmons jumped on his bike and pedaled away – no doubt somewhat awkwardly.

Simmons was later stopped by police and charged with theft by unlawful taking.

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One Response to Is that a big package of meat in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?

  1. Anon 1:50 says:

    “Simmons was later stopped by police and charged with ‘theft by unlawful taking’.”

    Uh… I’m sorry, but the definition of theft is “A criminal act in which property belonging to another is taken without that person’s consent”.

    “Unlawful taking”?

    He should have been charged with “stupid larceny and gross groinal abuse of a fine food product by a douche on a bicycle”.

    That way, his record would make it clear that he is a thieving, stupid, dunce… with a bicycle.

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